Night #3 

with no sleep. Seriously. I’ve been crying because of how frustrated I am with my body and mind for refusing to settle. How does this keep happening

My heart hurts a little bit every time I scroll over your name on snap chat. I’m not your ‘best friend’ on it anymore because it’s been inactive for so long. I still remember your number by heart, and I’ll accidentally dial it, because of stupid muscle memory. When I open my email, you’re first to pop up on my contacts list. You have that ridiculous douche bag hair cut I never understood as your contact photo. I have all these cute pictures of Rosie that I want to mass text to you so bad.

I wish I could show you how much more confident I am with myself; I love my ‘thunder thighs’ and ‘birthing hips’ how. I also really liked how you called me Sammy instead of Sam. You are the only person who has ever called me Sammy, and probably the last. 

I’ve been think about you a lot, because naturally I want what I can’t have and need to torture myself by constantly thinking of ‘what if’ scenarios. You were to closest to understanding what goes on in my head and probably the only person who appreciated it.

I want to call you so bad. Even though I’ll never know for sure, but I think you wanted to call me as well, but of course I caught the fear of rejection bug, and I’m going to say you did too, because yolo right? Wow that was morbid…

Even though I really don’t have any right, I’m so unbelievably pissed at you. I truly thought you were ok, maybe happy even. You gave me hope that someone with a mind like mind will one day get relief. I sometime wonder how I’m going to make it if you were unable to.

Now the month of May is upon us. Your birthdays coming up…. I’m I still allowed to keep track? That day’s going to suck so much. I wish I could see you, talk to you, possibly hold your hand? Ugh I hate not getting sleep for 48 hours straight. I get weird. I guess I’ll take a shot for you, and dedicate it to Bangladesh.

Thinking about someone you know you will never see or have the possibility of seeing is the ultimate heartache. Who knew after all this time you still had it in you to break my heart into a million little pieces.

I do hope I see you again one day…..

The mind is a strange place after two nights of absolutely no sleep….